Tres Parties - Part 4
photos courtesy of Mad Matt
by Mad Matt
posted 2004-06-30
My Dad's Valium. I couldn't believe some uninvited val sniveled his way into my unauthorized party, found my Dads medicine chest, rifled through it and then swallowed my Dad's valium. Actually yes I could- I have hazy recollections of violating another father's pill cache; I just wouldn't have careened off a plate rack of my Mom's fine china and decimate the entire collection in a blink of an eye as this no name moron just did. But what I really couldn't believe was that my dad would leave any Valium behind while he was away on vacation.
Photo by Ray Kleiman
Before I could sprint up the stairs to do a pharmaceutical inventory, I heard a commotion at the front door. I went down to see what was going on. It was Will, Opey, and some of Will's blow dryer buddies from town. I could always pick out Will's Towner friends. They had perfectly groomed hair, loafers without socks, jaundiced yellow brown tanning salon skin, and the mandatory polo shirt with the collars turned up for a slight new wave statement.
They were annoying, but they often very generous with their parents credit cards. And they knew a plethora of hot Towner babes. What was really funny was how they worshipped Will. Because Will had gone to private school in town, he had successfully crossed the town/beach cultural line. His town friends thought he was a Malibu surf god, when in fact he was fairly tentative on a board; it was almost like he was afraid to wipe out because it would mess up his hair. Will was often ridiculed and dunked by us in the water because he was the only surfer I knew who put cologne on before he went surfing. It was a little disconcerting to be surfing in a crystal blue summer ocean, with seals frolicking in kelp beds and Pelicans in formation soaring overhead and then suddenly get a toxic waft of Ralph Lauren Polo. That's just wrong.
Will's real curse however was the prolific mono-brow that he constantly did battle with. He tried shaving it, putting Nair on it, electrolysis; we even tried to help him burn it off when he was passed out one night. In the end it would not be defeated and it always grew back, more robust than before. It was like a separate life form attached to Will's forehead. When Will was around his Towner friends and us, he knew that we knew that his friends lived in total fantasy about his surf status, and that he had created this myth. So he stayed humble around us, praying that we would not crucify him in front of his friends and destroy years of legend making.
Tonight he and his friends looked like a little gang, all with turned up collars, and I noticed they all had mono-brows. Was this the latest fashioned trend? Or was this a sign of respect to their Don? One of them was younger and had no mono-brow, but instead had used eyeliner to create the effect. When they saw me, they all stopped and broke into song (sung to the tune of "The Wanderer.")
"Well, I'm the type of guy who lives with Mom and Dad,
Taking out the trash is the only job I've had.
I always keep abreast of their will and testament,
Cause when they leave this earthly plane, I won't have to rent.
They call me the inheritor, the inheritor,
I wait around, around, around, around...
Well there's the maid on my left side and the gardener on my right,
Clean the house right now my folks are flying in tonight.
And when they ask me what I did when they were away,
I tear open The Wall Street Journal and say 'keeping an eye on MCA!'
They call me the Inheritor, the Inheritor,
I wait around, around, around, around...
Whoa, well I'm the type of guy who doesn't like to work,
My Parent's lawyers think that I'm a jerk,
But they better kiss my ass cause eventually,
The estate will be mine and they'll have to work for me.
Cause I'm the Inheritor, the Inheritor,
I wait around, around, around, around...
Before they could continue on, I screamed, "STOP!"
Photo courtesy Charles Helfrich
"What'd you think of our song?" asked Will.
"fuckin grim. But funny. Will, why did you bring the mono-bros here?"
"Dude, I am here to do a virginity intervention on Jan."
"What?"
"I met this chick at the 321 club and told her about your party and then told her about Jan's problem, and she wants to cure that problem."
The 321 club was this dance club in Santa Monica filled with hot young girls who all looked like Madonna. Will pulled this girl up front with him and surprise...she looked like a Madonna clone.
"Where's Jan, I want to do Jan. I want to pop his cherry." She giggled.
"You can only do that with a girl," I corrected her.
